How to Be a Footballer (Ebury Publishing)

Shortlisted for the Telegraph Sports Book Awards Autobiography of the Year 'Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player' - Sunday Times 'The funniest man in British sport' - Metro Featured on BBC Radio 2 with Chris Evans You become a footballer because you love football.

And then you are a footballer, and you're suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one team-mate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station.

Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate. So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a football before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower-gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror.

We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media and try to ensure that we never again pay L250 for a haircut that should have cost a tenner. We'll be coached and cajoled aby Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez and be soothed aby the sound of an accordion played aby Sven-Goran Eriksson's assistant Tord Grip.

There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions. I am Peter Crouch. This is How To Be A Footballer.